Cow illustrations....a lot of cows....a lot of smiles.
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. - Your neighbor has none. - You feel guilty for being successful. - Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICANYou have two cows. - Your neighbor has none. - So?
LEFTIST LIBERALYou have two cows. - One quits giving milk. - You blame it on George Bush. - You breed the cow with a bull, but it doesn’t get pregnant. - You blame it on George Bush. - Both cows die of starvation while you are away at a peace rally. - Dan Rather reports he has evidence linking the starvation of the cows to George Bush. - You drive your hybrid car to an anti-Bush rally where placards showing your dead cows are displayed. - Protesting is good.
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. - The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. - You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. - The government seizes both and provides you with milk. - You wait in line for hours to get it. - It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. - You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. - Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. - You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. - You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. - Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. - You go on strike because you want three cows. - You go to lunch and drink wine. - Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows. - You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. - They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. - Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows. - You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. - Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows but you don't know where they are. - While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. - You break for lunch. - Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. - You have some vodka. - You count them and learn you have five cows. - You have some more vodka. - You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. - The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cow s you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATIONYou have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. - You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' private parts. - You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. - They go into hiding. - They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. - Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. - The cow is schizophrenic. - Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. - The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. - The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. - The cow asks permission to be cut in half. - The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. - Everyone votes for the best looking one. - Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. - Some people vote for both. - Some people vote for neither. - Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. - Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. - They make real California cheese. - Only five speak English. - Most are illegals. - Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
Descriptions of cows
LIBERAL DEMOCRAT COWS are all multi-colored - most are multi-racial, multi-cultural, multi lingual, and/or multi-national - 10% are homosexual, won’t have calves and so never give milk - 25% are too busy going to peace rallies to have calves or give milk - 35% are on strike and refuse to give milk - The 2% Hollywood cows won’t have calves because they’re afraid it will ruin their career if they produce milk - 38% are feminist activists who hate bulls - 72% believe all Republicans are white bulls. The 25% who do have calves and produce milk place most of it in their family coffers and share very little with the less fortunate cows. All believe the government should guarantee them free barns, free hay and free veterinary services.
CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN COWS are many-colored, like bulls and believe having calves and producing milk is their main purpose in life - 85% organize into cooperative dairies and create dairy conglomerates - their cooperatives produce a milk surplus which they keep for a "rainy day" - soon 10% of the cows control 95% of the milk - they resent being forced to provide increasing amounts of their milk to non-producing cows - 72% believe all Democrats are anti-bull cows who are doing to them what the bulls usually do but without the benefits - 90% believe Democrat cows should start having calves and producing milk - 38% believe all forests should be cut down and converted to pastures - 2% control the cooperatives and are buying up all pastures to provide for themselves.
CENTRIST COWS are all pale greyish brown, don’t know if they like bulls or not, and are neutral about having calves and producing milk - they are distressed by the huge dairy conglomerates, but won’t do anything about them - they think all liberal Democrat and conservative Republican cows are, "out to get them" - 34% put off having calves until it’s too late because they just, "can’t make up their minds" - those that do have calves haven’t a clue what to do with the milk they produce, but know they won’t put it in the hands of the cooperatives - 97% will firmly position themselves straddling every fence with their mooer on one side and their udder on the other, "Mooudders?" - nearly all have not the slightest idea of whether they are coming or going.
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